Parenting Red Flags: Are You Guilty of These 17 Behaviors?

Are parents unknowingly fostering entitlement in their children? Teachers are sharing behaviors they witness in both students and parents that they say are red flags, pointing to a growing sense of entitlement that can hinder a child’s development. These behaviors range from parents making excuses for their children’s lack of effort to demanding preferential treatment and blaming teachers for their children’s shortcomings.

The Rise of Entitlement: Teachers’ Observations

Educators across the nation are increasingly concerned about what they perceive as a growing sense of entitlement among students and, notably, their parents. This concern stems from direct observations in classrooms, parent-teacher interactions, and overall attitudes towards education. Teachers are reporting instances where parents intervene excessively, shielding their children from consequences and fostering a belief that their children are exceptional and deserving of special treatment.

“It’s a growing trend,” says one teacher, speaking anonymously to protect their career. “We see parents constantly making excuses for their children’s lack of effort, blaming everyone but their child for poor grades, and demanding special treatment that isn’t warranted.” This preferential treatment can manifest in various forms, from requesting deadline extensions without valid reasons to expecting teachers to change grades to reflect a more favorable outcome.

Seventeen Red Flags: Behaviors to Watch Out For

Several specific behaviors, identified by educators, are considered red flags that may indicate a parent is inadvertently fostering entitlement in their child. These behaviors encompass a range of actions and attitudes that can negatively impact a child’s development and their interactions with the world.

1. Blaming Others for Their Child’s Mistakes: A common red flag is when parents consistently deflect responsibility for their child’s actions, blaming teachers, other students, or external circumstances instead of encouraging their child to take ownership. This prevents the child from learning valuable lessons about accountability and responsibility. “These parents see their child as perfect and incapable of wrongdoing,” one teacher explained. “They can’t accept that their child might have made a mistake, so they immediately look for someone else to blame.”

2. Making Excuses for Lack of Effort: Another concerning behavior is when parents consistently excuse their child’s lack of effort or preparation. Whether it’s incomplete homework, missed deadlines, or a general lack of engagement, these parents rationalize the behavior instead of addressing it. This teaches children that effort is not necessary for success and that they are entitled to good grades or outcomes regardless of their input.

3. Demanding Special Treatment: Demanding special treatment or exceptions for their child is a significant red flag. This might involve requesting deadline extensions without valid justification, expecting preferential grading, or insisting on accommodations that are not supported by documented needs. Such demands can create an unfair advantage for the child and foster a sense of superiority.

4. Refusing to Accept “No”: Some parents struggle to accept “no” from teachers or school administrators, persistently pushing for their desired outcome even when it’s not reasonable or in the child’s best interest. This behavior can be interpreted as a sense of entitlement and a belief that their child’s needs should always take precedence over others.

5. Intervening in Minor Conflicts: Overly involved parents who intervene in minor conflicts between children can hinder the child’s ability to develop conflict resolution skills. Allowing children to navigate social interactions and resolve disagreements independently is crucial for their social and emotional growth.

6. Doing Their Child’s Work: Completing assignments or projects for their child is a detrimental behavior that prevents the child from learning and developing essential skills. It sends the message that effort and learning are not important, and that the outcome is all that matters. This can lead to a lack of self-confidence and a reliance on others for assistance.

7. Shielding Them from Consequences: Consistently shielding children from the consequences of their actions prevents them from learning from their mistakes. Allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their choices, such as a lower grade for a missed assignment, is a valuable learning opportunity.

8. Constantly Complaining About Teachers: Parents who constantly complain about teachers in front of their children undermine the teacher’s authority and create a negative learning environment. It teaches children to disrespect authority figures and to view teachers as adversaries rather than partners in their education.

9. Ignoring School Rules: Disregarding school rules or policies sends a message to the child that rules don’t apply to them. This can lead to behavioral problems in school and a general disregard for authority.

10. Prioritizing Extracurricular Activities Over Academics: While extracurricular activities can be beneficial, prioritizing them over academic responsibilities can send the message that education is not a priority. Maintaining a balance between academics and extracurricular activities is essential for a well-rounded education.

11. Rewarding Mediocrity: Praising or rewarding children for minimal effort or mediocre performance can create a false sense of accomplishment. It’s important to provide specific and constructive feedback that encourages improvement rather than simply praising the child regardless of their effort.

12. Entitled Attitude Towards School Staff: Exhibiting an entitled attitude towards school staff, such as demanding immediate attention or speaking disrespectfully, sets a poor example for the child. It teaches them that it’s acceptable to treat others with disrespect, especially those in service positions.

13. Buying Their Child’s Way Out of Problems: Using money or gifts to solve problems or compensate for poor behavior can create a sense of entitlement and a belief that they can avoid consequences through material possessions.

14. Comparing Their Child Favorably to Others: Constantly comparing their child favorably to others can create a sense of superiority and a lack of empathy. It’s important to focus on the child’s individual strengths and weaknesses rather than comparing them to others.

15. Not Teaching Gratitude: Failing to teach children gratitude for what they have can lead to a sense of entitlement and a lack of appreciation. Encouraging children to express gratitude and appreciate the efforts of others is crucial for developing a sense of empathy and humility.

16. Giving Too Much Material Possessions: Overindulging children with material possessions can create a sense of entitlement and a belief that they are entitled to anything they want. It’s important to teach children the value of hard work and to appreciate what they have.

17. Lack of Boundaries: A lack of clear boundaries and consistent discipline can contribute to a child’s sense of entitlement. Setting clear expectations and enforcing consequences for inappropriate behavior is essential for teaching children respect and responsibility.

The Impact of Entitlement on Children

The consequences of fostering entitlement in children can be far-reaching, affecting their academic performance, social relationships, and overall well-being. Children who grow up with a sense of entitlement may struggle to cope with challenges, exhibit poor interpersonal skills, and have difficulty achieving long-term success.

• Difficulty Coping with Challenges: Entitled children often struggle to cope with challenges and setbacks, as they have not developed the resilience and problem-solving skills necessary to overcome obstacles. They may become easily frustrated, give up easily, or blame others for their failures.
• Poor Interpersonal Skills: Entitlement can hinder the development of healthy social relationships. Entitled children may have difficulty empathizing with others, understanding their perspectives, and respecting their boundaries. This can lead to conflict and difficulty forming meaningful connections.
• Lack of Motivation: When children believe they are entitled to success without effort, they may lack the motivation to work hard and achieve their goals. They may expect things to be handed to them and become discouraged when they encounter challenges that require effort and perseverance.
• Difficulty with Authority: Entitled children may struggle to respect authority figures, such as teachers, coaches, or employers. They may believe that rules and expectations don’t apply to them and may resist following instructions or accepting criticism.
• Increased Risk of Mental Health Issues: Some studies suggest that entitlement can be linked to an increased risk of mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, and narcissism. The constant need for validation and the inability to cope with setbacks can contribute to feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness.
• Impact on Future Success: Ultimately, a sense of entitlement can hinder a child’s long-term success in both their personal and professional lives. Employers are less likely to hire or promote individuals who exhibit entitled behavior, and personal relationships can suffer as a result of a lack of empathy and respect.

Addressing Entitlement: Strategies for Parents

While recognizing the potential for fostering entitlement is the first step, implementing strategies to counteract these behaviors is crucial. Parents can take proactive steps to instill values of responsibility, gratitude, and hard work in their children.

• Teach Responsibility and Accountability: Encourage children to take responsibility for their actions and to understand the consequences of their choices. This includes holding them accountable for their mistakes and allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their actions.
• Promote Gratitude and Appreciation: Teach children to appreciate what they have and to express gratitude for the efforts of others. Encourage them to volunteer, help others in need, and recognize the value of hard work.
• Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries: Establish clear expectations for behavior and enforce consistent consequences for inappropriate actions. This provides children with a sense of structure and helps them understand the importance of rules and respect.
• Encourage Effort and Perseverance: Emphasize the importance of effort and perseverance in achieving goals. Provide specific and constructive feedback that encourages improvement rather than simply praising the child regardless of their effort.
• Model Humility and Empathy: Parents should model humility and empathy in their own behavior. This includes treating others with respect, acknowledging their own mistakes, and showing compassion for those in need.
• Teach Problem-Solving Skills: Encourage children to develop problem-solving skills by allowing them to navigate challenges and conflicts independently. Provide guidance and support when needed, but avoid intervening excessively.
• Limit Material Possessions: Avoid overindulging children with material possessions. Teach them the value of money and encourage them to earn what they want through hard work and responsible spending.
• Promote Independence: Encourage children to develop independence by allowing them to make their own decisions and take on age-appropriate responsibilities. This helps them build self-confidence and a sense of autonomy.
• Focus on Values, Not Just Achievements: Emphasize the importance of values such as kindness, honesty, and integrity, rather than solely focusing on achievements. This helps children develop a strong moral compass and a sense of purpose beyond material success.
• Open Communication: Establish open and honest communication with your children. Create a safe space where they can share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. This allows you to understand their perspectives and address any underlying issues that may be contributing to a sense of entitlement.

The Role of Schools

Schools also play a critical role in addressing the issue of entitlement. Educators can work collaboratively with parents to promote values of responsibility, respect, and hard work. This includes implementing clear disciplinary policies, providing opportunities for students to develop leadership skills, and fostering a culture of inclusivity and empathy. Schools can also offer workshops and resources for parents to help them understand and address entitlement in their children.

Community Involvement

The wider community also has a responsibility to address the issue of entitlement. Community organizations, religious institutions, and youth programs can all play a role in promoting values of service, compassion, and social responsibility. By providing opportunities for young people to engage in meaningful activities and contribute to their communities, they can develop a sense of purpose and belonging that transcends material possessions and individual achievement.

A Generational Shift?

Some experts believe that the rise of entitlement may be linked to broader societal trends, such as increased consumerism, a focus on self-esteem, and a decline in traditional values. However, regardless of the underlying causes, it’s essential to recognize the potential impact of entitlement on children and take proactive steps to address it.

By fostering responsibility, gratitude, and hard work, parents, schools, and communities can help children develop into well-rounded, compassionate, and successful adults. Addressing entitlement is not about depriving children of what they need or want, but rather about equipping them with the skills and values they need to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

The Long Game of Parenting

Ultimately, parenting is a long game. The choices parents make today will have a profound impact on their children’s future. By being mindful of the potential for fostering entitlement and taking steps to counteract these behaviors, parents can help their children develop into responsible, compassionate, and successful adults who contribute positively to society. It requires conscious effort, consistent messaging, and a willingness to challenge societal norms that promote entitlement.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Q1: What exactly is “entitlement” in the context of parenting, and why is it considered a negative trait?

A: Entitlement, in the context of parenting, refers to a belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges, preferential treatment, and rewards without necessarily earning them through effort or demonstrating responsibility. This belief is often fostered by parents who excessively shield their children from consequences, make excuses for their shortcomings, or provide them with an overabundance of material possessions.

Entitlement is considered a negative trait because it can hinder a child’s development in several ways. It can lead to a lack of motivation, difficulty coping with challenges, poor interpersonal skills, and a general disregard for authority. Entitled children may struggle to understand the value of hard work, empathy, and respect, which can negatively impact their academic performance, social relationships, and overall well-being. In the long term, it can impede their ability to succeed in personal and professional endeavors, as they may expect preferential treatment without demonstrating the necessary skills or work ethic.

Q2: The article lists 17 “red flags.” Is exhibiting one or two of these behaviors necessarily indicative of a significant problem? How many red flags warrant serious concern?

A: Exhibiting one or two of the listed red flags occasionally does not automatically indicate a significant problem. Every parent makes mistakes, and occasional lapses in judgment are normal. However, the consistent and pervasive presence of multiple red flags should raise serious concern.

There is no magic number, but generally, if a parent consistently exhibits three or more of these behaviors, it’s worth examining their parenting approach and considering whether they are inadvertently fostering a sense of entitlement in their child. The key is to look for patterns of behavior rather than isolated incidents. If a parent consistently makes excuses for their child’s lack of effort, demands special treatment, and shields them from consequences, it’s a strong indication that the child may be developing an unhealthy sense of entitlement.

It’s also important to consider the severity of the behaviors. For example, occasionally intervening in a minor conflict is less concerning than consistently doing the child’s homework for them. The more frequent and severe the red flags, the greater the potential for negative consequences.

Q3: How can parents differentiate between advocating for their child’s needs and exhibiting entitled behavior, especially when dealing with legitimate learning disabilities or special needs?

A: Differentiating between advocating for a child’s needs and exhibiting entitled behavior, especially when dealing with learning disabilities or special needs, requires careful consideration and a focus on fairness and equity. Advocacy involves ensuring that a child receives the necessary support and accommodations to access education and thrive, while entitlement involves demanding preferential treatment that is not justified by the child’s needs or the school’s resources.

Here are some key distinctions:

• Focus on Needs vs. Wants: Advocacy focuses on addressing legitimate needs that are supported by documentation and professional assessments. Entitlement focuses on fulfilling wants or desires that are not necessarily essential for the child’s well-being or academic success.
• Fairness and Equity: Advocacy seeks to create a level playing field for the child by providing necessary accommodations. Entitlement seeks to create an unfair advantage for the child by demanding special treatment that is not available to other students.
• Collaboration and Respect: Advocacy involves working collaboratively with teachers, administrators, and other professionals to develop a plan that meets the child’s needs while respecting the school’s policies and resources. Entitlement involves demanding compliance and disregarding the opinions or concerns of school staff.
• Long-Term Goals: Advocacy aims to foster the child’s independence and self-advocacy skills. Entitlement seeks to shield the child from challenges and prevent them from developing the skills necessary to succeed on their own.

For example, advocating for extended time on tests for a child with a documented learning disability is a legitimate form of advocacy. Demanding that the teacher change the child’s grade because they didn’t study enough is an example of entitlement.

Q4: What are some practical strategies parents can use to instill a sense of gratitude and appreciation in their children, and why are these important?

A: Instilling a sense of gratitude and appreciation in children is crucial for fostering empathy, humility, and a positive outlook on life. It helps them recognize the value of what they have and appreciate the efforts of others. Here are some practical strategies parents can use:

• Model Gratitude: Parents should model gratitude in their own behavior by expressing appreciation for the things they have and the people in their lives. This includes saying “thank you” regularly, acknowledging acts of kindness, and expressing appreciation for everyday experiences.
• Encourage Thank-You Notes: Encourage children to write thank-you notes for gifts, acts of kindness, or special occasions. This helps them reflect on the positive things in their lives and express their appreciation in a tangible way.
• Practice Gratitude Journaling: Encourage children to keep a gratitude journal where they can write down things they are grateful for each day. This helps them focus on the positive aspects of their lives and develop a habit of gratitude.
• Volunteer and Help Others: Engage in volunteer activities as a family to help those in need. This exposes children to different perspectives and helps them appreciate the challenges faced by others. It also provides them with an opportunity to make a positive impact on their community.
• Limit Material Possessions: Avoid overindulging children with material possessions. Teach them the value of money and encourage them to earn what they want through hard work and responsible spending.
• Express Appreciation for Everyday Things: Help children appreciate the simple things in life, such as a warm meal, a comfortable bed, or a beautiful sunset. Encourage them to notice and appreciate the small joys that often go unnoticed.
• Reflect on the Efforts of Others: Encourage children to reflect on the efforts of others, such as teachers, coaches, or family members. Help them understand the time, energy, and dedication that these individuals invest in their well-being.
• Discuss Gratitude at Mealtimes: Make gratitude a regular topic of conversation at mealtimes. Ask each family member to share something they are grateful for each day.

These strategies are important because they help children develop a sense of perspective, empathy, and appreciation. They also promote happiness, resilience, and a positive outlook on life.

Q5: How can parents address the issue of entitlement in older children or teenagers who have already developed these tendencies, and is it ever “too late” to change these behaviors?

A: Addressing entitlement in older children or teenagers who have already developed these tendencies can be challenging, but it’s definitely not too late to make a positive impact. It requires a combination of open communication, consistent boundaries, and a focus on promoting responsibility and empathy. Here are some strategies:

• Open Communication: Start by having an honest and open conversation with your child about your concerns. Explain how their entitled behavior is affecting their relationships, their academic performance, and their future prospects. Listen to their perspective and try to understand the underlying reasons for their behavior.
• Establish Clear Boundaries: Set clear expectations for behavior and enforce consistent consequences for inappropriate actions. This may involve limiting privileges, assigning chores, or implementing stricter rules.
• Promote Responsibility: Encourage your child to take responsibility for their actions and to understand the consequences of their choices. This includes holding them accountable for their mistakes and allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their actions.
• Encourage Empathy and Service: Provide opportunities for your child to engage in volunteer activities or help others in need. This can help them develop empathy and appreciate the challenges faced by others.
• Teach Financial Literacy: Teach your child about financial responsibility and the value of hard work. This may involve giving them an allowance, encouraging them to get a part-time job, and teaching them how to budget and save money.
• Model Responsible Behavior: Model responsible behavior in your own life. This includes managing your finances responsibly, treating others with respect, and taking responsibility for your own actions.
• Seek Professional Help: If you are struggling to address your child’s entitlement on your own, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support for both you and your child.
• Be Patient and Persistent: Changing ingrained behaviors takes time and effort. Be patient and persistent in your efforts, and celebrate small successes along the way.
• Focus on Strengths: Recognize and praise any positive behaviors or efforts your child makes. Focusing on their strengths can help build their confidence and motivate them to make further changes.
• Avoid Enabling: Resist the urge to shield your child from the consequences of their actions. Allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their choices is a valuable learning opportunity.

While it may be more challenging to address entitlement in older children or teenagers, it’s definitely possible to make a positive impact with consistent effort and a supportive approach. It’s never too late to help your child develop the skills and values they need to succeed in life.